I Look Like Shit

While you were asleep

Pulled my hood to block the light from the TV

Turned the volume up to distract me from constant noises

Leaking under the apartment door

It doesn’t help

I get up and I crawl out and don’t hear more

Make a barricade of full trash bags and empty boxes

Perched behind them, closely watching

While you were asleep

On the couch, watching a movie, smoking weed

Rummaging through the utensils in the kitchen counter

In the drainer, which one’s sharper

When the light creeps in

Loosen my grip and crawl back into my bed

Your alarm is set to go off in a half an hour

Eyes closed. Fake snore. None the wiser

Victoria made me happy

Now I can only be scared

And people tell me that time can fix the wound

But that’s crap

‘Cause she’s not coming back

And life’s unfair

I’m always anxious and worried

I’m always freaked out and scared

And people tell me that time can fix the wound

But that’s crap

Vicki’s not coming back

And I scream, “Why did I get left behind?”

I know it’s an exaggeration

To say I would rather die than

Share this place with people capable

Of inspiring such fear and hopelessness

That I’m frozen in my bed…

But that sums it up

Teenage halloween

Hot safety pins in nozzles of shaving cream

Spend the evening spraying cars, toilet papering houses

What’s the harm in smashing pumpkins?

Decades on, with kids

And I don’t let them stay out past dark

I sit on the front porch with a shotgun

While they’re upstairs sleeping

Total darkness

Love. Protection

Victoria made me happy

Now I can only be scared

And people tell me that time can fix the wound

But that’s crap

‘Cause she’s not coming back

And life’s unfair

I’m always anxious and worried

I’m always freaked out and scared

And people tell me that time can fix the wound

But that’s crap

Vicki’s not coming back

And life’s unfair

I am not Jesus though I have the same initials –

I am the man who stays home and does the dishes

And how was your day?

Is that woman still trying to do your head in?

A man told me to beware of 33

He said, “It was not an easy time for me” but I’ll get through even though

I’ve got no miracles to show you

I’d like to make this water wine

But it’s impossible

I’ve got to get these dishes dry

I’ll read a story if it helps you sleep at night

I’ve got some matches if you ever need a light

Oh I am just a man

But I am doing what I can to help you

I’d like to make this water wine

But it’s impossible

I’ve got to get these dishes dry

And I’m not worried that I will never touch the stars

’cause stars belong up in heaven

And the earth is where we are

Oh yeah

And I feel happy just to be alive

And that seems possible

You’ve got no Cross to bear tonight. Ah

No not tonight, Ah

No not tonight, Ah

I am not Jesus though I have the same initials

Worried about the rodents and maggots in the trash

So I won’t empty the trash

So I won’t empty the trash

Worried about the moldy dishes

And spiders in the drain

So I won’t eat no dinner today

And I won’t do no dishes today

And I won’t write no letters today

Freaked out by the roaches

And I don’t like to spray them

Cause I don’t wanna kill them

I just stay out of the kitchen

It’s not bad

It’s not like somebody died

In five years, it’ll be out of your mind

But I can’t seem to feel alive today

You’re standing on the side of the road

I’m circlin’ the block killin’ time

I feel like I’m lost and alone

Circlin’ the block kills time

I won’t empty the trash, the trash, the trash

It’s not bad

It’s not like somebody died

We’re all sad but we’re probably fine

Even if we just don’t feel alright today

You’re standing on the side of the road

I’m circlin’ the block killin’ time

You’re waiting and I turned off my phone

Circlin’ the block kills time

I won’t empty the trash, the trash, the trash

There’s a patch of ice shimmering under the sky

On the south corner of Bushwick, on the residential side

And I’m afraid I’ll slip

Most days when it’s cloudy and all nights I stay inside

But it’s 2:30 on New Years’ Day and outside it’s looking bright

And I could use some chips and a bottle of soda

For my quest to rescue Zelda

Trying to be brave, I touched the puddle to my tongue

And within a millisecond the bottom of my face went numb

And no one on the street knew anything was wrong

So I tried to wave my arms to find that they were frozen too

And I tried to run away, my legs felt like they were stuck in glue

And I started to hear a storm

Through my ears poured freezing rain

And it froze my freezing brain

A handful of neighbors gathered underneath the awning

Of the laundromat 200 feet from the front door of my building

And it smacked me like a pinball

And it crushed me like a wrecking ball

I was swallowed by a cold duvet

And the kids are gonna have a snow day

I couldn’t bear to find out how the story was gonna end

So I closed my eyes and went to sleep and no one found me dead

Cause everybody stayed inside ’til March

And a patch of flowers grew out of the concrete where I lied

Some boy picked a dandelion to give to a girl he liked

And she gave him a kiss that warmed his lonely heart

Now they hold each other tight

And stay in on winter nights

Miles away and I can’t seem to shake

The smell of your car in 2003:

Beach air and bad tunes

Stale smoke and junk food

Tell her to stay and you’ll scare her away

Staying the same just makes everything change

I’m plowing right through friends I don’t talk to

Seasons seem to see me sliding out of view

80’s through the 50’s

Breezes make me think of you

And I’ll count down the days

Just like I count down before I go away

Trying to get used to not being there with you

Seasons seem to see me sliding out of view

80’s through the 50’s

Breezes make me think of you

When you see me sliding out of view

80’s through the 50’s

Breezes make me think of you

It got chilly this Saturday

And with my hands in my pockets I walked around in circles like “Oh no, I’m totally fucked.”

It’s one thing to grow old but I’m collecting dust

‘Cause nobody needs me

Nobody needs me

Nobody needs me the way that I need you

Seasons seem to see me sliding out of view

80’s through the 50’s

Breezes make me think of you

When you see me sliding out of view

80’s through the 50’s

Breezes make me think of you

Little blue pills

Bottles of codeine lying

On the shelf at dawn

Sleeping soundly

With traffic gently humming

Down the boulevard

I hate the morning light

Because with every night

A little earlier

It seems to get too bright

It squeezes through the blinds

Dissolves into my eyes

And I hate the sunny side

Calling good friends

And calling total strangers

Meet me at the bar

Throw the card down

And leave the fucker open

Like I turned twenty-one

And when it’s dark inside

I’ll take a taxi ride

Down to the eastern side

Before it gets too bright

I pull the curtains down

I let my head spin round

And my ears ring over the sound

And my ears ring over the sound

I upped the dosage and cleared my bank account ’til

Everything was gone

Now the circles around my eyes grow wider

The lights are always on

And every single night

I hold the covers tight

Until I toss and turn

And see the creeping light

I turn things off and on and on and off and on

And I sleep for fifteen minutes like an infant ’til alarm clocks buzz

Through the cracks of the windows from the neighboring apartment until I wake up

So I’ll slip next paycheck into bottles brown and amber ’til it’s all gone

So I’ll sleep next paycheck with the fitful fucking terror ’til it’s all gone

I want you to know I’m glad you’re not dead

All the hate in my heart has gone out of my head

It took me some time but I understand

That I made enemies where I should have stayed friends

‘Cause it’s way too much work to hate your old friends

I want you to know that I’ll be alright

If you feel like I do and you’re over the fight

Sure, there are times when I can’t get by

But show me a person who always feels fine

And I’ll show you a lying sack of shit

But oh, I know

I wouldn’t think about me too

But the smallest things make me remember you

And it’s hard when I know we were such good friends

And it’s hard when I know that we can never be friends

But oh, I know

I wouldn’t think about me too

But the smallest things make me remember you

Smallest things make me remember you

I said the smallest things make me remember you

There are nights when I miss my friends

When I look through old pictures

Think about you again

And I hope that you’re happy that I’m not dead

And we both ended up kinda okay in the end

Yeah, I got friends who wanna catch up on old times

But that just makes me feel ashamed to be me

And I, I’ve got friends who wanna relive the past

And deify memories

And they just scream to me

That if you don’t die young, you’re gonna live too long

If you don’t die young, you’re gonna live too long

You’re gonna live too long

On the stoop of the apartment next to my shitty job

An old friend passed me on the street today

I said, “Hello,” and tried to catch up on old times

She walked the other way

Maybe I seemed to scream

That if I got cancer or somebody shot me

I’d be like a child or something

Asking doctors to do me favors

Or cross my fingers and hope it gets better

Like a broken record, I seem to scream

That if you don’t die young, you’re gonna live too long

Yeah, if you don’t die young, you’re gonna live too long

I was getting drunk in a foreign ocean

And trying to wrap my head around problems

And all my bitterness just seemed passe

Because I realized as soon as I said it

How long it’d take to swim from Jones Beach to Indonesia

And maybe you’re waiting on a call from me

And maybe you’re working in a crowded restaurant

And you’re the one who’s got a life so fucked up

That you don’t know what happened

Just like you saw me working at some restaurant

Embarrassed ’cause my life was just so fucked up

And I don’t know how it happened

Waiting to go to school on some suburban road

They took my backpack and emptied it in the snow

The kids at the bus stop screamed nothing

I saw an old lady one time on Astor Place

Steal an old man’s backpack and then punch him in the face

Me and my neighbors screamed nothing

And what’s the difference if the bombs fall from the sky

And what’s the difference if you like being alive

Yeah what’s the difference when we’re all just gonna die

A crucifix and two framed pictures of the pope

I passed them all as I got evicted from my home

My Catholic landlord screamed “Amen.”

We don’t believe in God or spirits in the sky

Unless we’re desperate and need to justify

The shitty things we do so we apologize

“Ya gotta get rid of my guilt, God.”

Before I fled the scene I smeared my shit along the baseboards

Took the moldy foodstuffs, lined them up along the tile floor

Jerked off on the window screen, fridge open and toilet running

Barely felt reprieve before the deluge of regret came flooding

Now I can’t get to sleep because I have this useless conscience

And I can’t get revenge due to this stupid moral compass

And honestly, I feel that all these feelings aren’t worth it in the end

We don’t believe in God or spirits in the sky

Unless we’re desperate or know someone who died

We gain perspective and a brand new lease of life

Then still do shitty things when the moment arrives

So what’s the difference if the bombs fall from the sky

So what’s the difference if you like being alive

Yeah what’s the fucking point of thinking as you die

“Ya gotta forgive all my sins, God.”

I don’t wanna die

I don’t wanna die

I know I’m gonna die

I don’t wanna die

I don’t wanna die